Faith
by Kaizer-Kid
Summary: Hercules' musings and thoughts as he turns over Mabon's offer of training in S5 Ep3. Pretty angsty so not for the cheerful of heart. No Flames.


Kaizer: Just an idea and a collection of words that occurred to me while watching Descent, from Season 5, one of my favourite episodes in my favourite season of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. This is my attempt at fanfiction and at entering our noble hero's heart and mind as he ventures into both the literal and figurative underworld and darkest time of his life... (Also I do not own the series, Universal Studio does, if I owned the series you could bet that Morrigan would have shown up more often than she did as she was my favourite character in the series lol)

_**Faith**_

There was a time when there was no burden, no pain. A time when his thoughts, feelings and heart wasn't heavy with guilt, grief and regret, a time when he had not felt as strong yet as wrong as he did now.

The sense of wrongness was one that Hercules had a difficult time placing, perhaps it dated back to his childhood, a time of rejection from others, of loneliness and of inadequacy out of the belief that Iphicles' pain was his fault, that he was as deformed as Proteus was physically, all because he didn't fit in amongst mortals or amongst the gods. Too strong for the gods, and too weak for mortals, or so he sometimes told himself.

No, he realised it didn't go that far back, for back then as much as there was a sense of uncertainty there was undeniably Iolaus' brotherhood, Alcmene' (bless her soul) love and Chiron's wisdom to turn to when times were darkest.

The sense of wrongness had its' roots he knew when his babies, his children were burnt, at the memory as it always happened every day, every time he recalled that moment, the smell of cooked flesh reached his nostrils and made him nauseous.

The deaths of his children, three perfect little babes who had never done wrong nor could ever do wrong in his eyes, along with the death of their beautiful mother, Deianeira was when the darkness first took root.

From there it had overcome Hercules like wildfire, slowly at first but then with incredible force, as Serena, beautiful, helpless Serena who had captured Hercules' need to be needed and to rescue others by always needing someone to rescue her from everything due to her innocence. The question of how true their love was, whether it was simply him needing a new family and simply looking to the first person who understood his losses or whether it was true love at first sight still haunted him, but it didn't matter, he supposed as she had died by his hand, he had murdered her because of being bonded to him and because of that damned Strife.

The nightmares of plunging a blade into her had ceased long ago, especially after rescuing her which had both comforted and taunted him with his loss and how he could never again be near her.

Then came the loss of Rena, his sister-in-law a secondary fountain of feminine wisdom and kindness, a woman so gentle that she had tamed Iphicles' passionate and fiery spirit and had taught him to temper his words and his tongue with mercy and love. A woman who had helped bridge the gap between brothers, a woman who had been as much a sister as her and Iphicles' heir, Iolaus was Hercules child and Iolaus', as the boy had his name-sake's temper and thirst for adventure, yet his mother's sweetness and father's determination.

And then, mere weeks after Rena's death, the shocking loss of a rock, the fall of mother, of the greatest and wisest person to ever live, leaving Hercules with the strong desire to flee, to rage, to weep, to beg, to fight for her life, yet he had no one and nothing to fight with for her. She was dead, leaving the three men in her life alone, with Jason to care for her garden, Hercules to stagger forward, hard-pressed under the burden of losing his mother and greatest supporter and Iolaus to support the three of them as he was prone to, when they faced losses such as this.

The memory of his best friend and the antics and troubles the two of them had gotten into brought a smile to Hercules' face, how could it not? The man was his hero, his champion, his inspiration as a man.

_"You may have the blood of a god, but your true strength comes from your mother and mortal blood,"_ Iolaus had once told him, words that he had accepted yet questioned when he was mourning Alcmene's death, and yet they now seemed false to him, so very false as his grief at the time was still too fresh, however he had accepted it with the passing of weeks, once more finding his strength from his and others' hearts, just as Iolaus had known he would.

How could he be strong when the person who had most believed in him, who had helped supply him with companionship throughout his journeys and labours, who had helped him overcome the lack of a father in his life, the loss of a family, the loss of wives, the loss of a sister and the loss of a mother?

What was the point of it all? Hercules wondered, he had fought against the gods time and again, he had paid them homage by sacrificing his strength, he had given them his family, his forgiveness from time to time, and sometimes his acceptance, all just to lose his brother, his only family left and his hero to their enemy and in return they paid him with nothing?

What had Iolaus done to them? Had Iolaus not risked everything throughout his life for everyone else? Was he not the best hero that ever lived? A man who had recently truly, for the first time finally found his own love, the opportunity for marriage with Nebula, who had died for the damned Sumerian gods, who in reply to his noble sacrifice paid him and Nebula with nothing. How could anyone dare to question Iolaus' sacrifice, his right to happiness, his right to being remembered as the legend he truly was, a legend that should have outshined Hercules' own, how could the gods not give Iolaus something, anything?

_'Yet I failed him,'_ Hercules reminded himself as he his eyes remained downcast with the knowledge, he was supposed to protect his friend, protect the last remnant of good in himself that Iolaus had always reminded him of, yet he had failed.

These memories and thoughts haunted him, and would probably continue to do so for the rest of his life, and though he tried to remember why he had to be alone, all he could think about as he gazed into Mabon's wise, steady eyes that had seen more millennia and eons than Hercules likely ever would and had more knowledge than he could ever have, all he could think and feel was as alone as he was, why did this boy, man have such faith in him. Why wouldn't he leave him alone? Was he right?

The bright luminous eyes of the druid spirit of Wisdom remained steadfast and uncompromising as he awaited Herc's answer to whether he would undergo training once more, as though he were that bright-eyed, innocent boy who had eagerly followed Chiron around in the hopes of learning, of gaining a fraction of the wise centaur's greatness. Now he was different, now he was middle-aged and up-river in an ocean of darkness, yet he stood once more on the path of being a student and little more than a child in a cruel world.

_'What was it I told Gilgamesh? I had faith in people,'_ Hercules remembered bitterly only to study those eyes again, as the old man in a young boy's body waited patiently the realisation hit him like a thunderbolt between the eyes, _'I've lost faith since Iolaus death. Lost faith for some time now.'_

And much as he wanted to flee, hide and rage against the possibility of having anymore battles ahead of him, he couldn't deny the truth behind those eyes. For the first time since Iolaus' death, someone had faith in him, had faith in Hercules, and was willing to bet everything on him, trust in him to do what was right and to put everything on the line for him. It was humbling and also annoying, and struck him one great detail that left him feeling a little uncertain about the future.

_'What have I got left to lose? If I die then that's it, it's finally over,'_ He thought the idea was relieving, extremely so but the idea of someone still having blind faith in him, and taking that leap of faith for his soul was unsettling, especially since he had long ago grown to believe that he no longer needed a mentor anymore, at least not one like this. He didn't know which answer he should give, to disappoint the trust given to him or to accept it, but as he remembered Iolaus, remembered his warm friendship, his kindness and his honour, remembered how it had felt to have Serena trust him with her life, much like his children had, and remembered Deianeira's love for him, he knew the answer he was going to give, he only hoped it would be the right decision.

Kaizer: So what do you all think? As far as the losses go, I figured that Deianeira, Herc's first wife was a crucial character in Herc's formation as a human and as a god, she is his first love, his first brush with loss on such a personal level, as for his kids well I feel that they are possibly his greatest loss, what with how no parent should ever have to bury their children, which is why they are given such a lengthy part (I can't remember their names in the series besides Eylia (not sure how her name is spelled) but figured they are beyond important). As for Serena I don't know about you guys, but I always felt her to be a bit of a mary-sue, and to be something of a rebound girl after Deianeira, she struck me as being someone Hercules did care deeply for but someone who he had rushed into marrying out of the desire to reproduce his prior life, he wanted to be married and have kids again so he kinda've jumped ahead of himself, while also wanting to rush to the damsel-in-distress (she kinda've was one, even more than even Deianeira or anyone in the series) and be the knight on a white-steed. Basically his paternal instincts got the better of him, and though she was important, her loss was a huge one but not as huge as the erasure of the marriage and relationship and of his prior relationship with his first wife or the loss of Iolaus. As for Rena, I rather liked her, as she really reminded me of Alcmene (in a positive way) and was someone who seemed to bring the two sons of Alcmene together without forcing them, she also struck me as someone who seemed to have a good friendship with Herc, and who's loss he and Iolaus seemed quite preoccupied with in War Wounds. As for Alcmene, well goes without saying, and finally Iolaus, quite possibly the most important relationship in Herc's life as far as guys go, he is Herc's hero (besides Jason), best friend, surrogate brother, confidante and advisor, I do not think his was the greatest loss in Hercules' life, but I do think it was the straw that broke the camel's back, Herc was already heading downwards but Iolaus was holding him up, but with Iolaus' death there isn't anybody left to keep Herc on his feet and from drowning in grief and regrets which is why I think Mabon (and Morrigan in some ways) are beyond important as they saved him, at a time when no one else could.

Now with my blabbering done; Please R&R, and don't flame...


End file.
